It really is so hard for me to be patient sometimes. They say that patience is the “science of peace” but I think that is why my levels of intolerance grow more every day like branches of trees that merge with the arteries of the hands. Sometimes I stare at the veins in my hands and it seems like I have a bunch of roots embedded in the skin. Also on my legs I have many varicose veins, which are confused with bushes embedded along the path from the thighs to the feet. When I lack patience, I turn to science and that is why for the first time in my life I began to make peace with it, science. I always thought or felt that organic was the best for me, that being vegetarian was what my body needed, I criticized doctors, I laughed at medicine. I was very fond of herbs, all kinds of tea, aromatherapy, any massage with coconut oil that would take away my headache instead of a Tylenol. I thought I was tough, I saw anxiety and depression commercials on television, especially when I had recently arrived with my husband in the United States, and I didn't understand why there was mass marketing of the use of drugs. I believed I had super powers, I know that the mind heals, that the hands heal, that positive thoughts exercised repeatedly come true. I fully trust that miracles exist, but my own arrogance put myself in the middle of a glass pedestal. Fortunately, that glass broke, fell in two and made me fall deeply into a very deep hole where I didn't know who I was.
In that space I only listened to myself and remembered the voices from my childhood that were tormenting me. I constantly asked myself: Who am I? I didn't know what to answer, I didn't understand even the slightest word that was going through my head. In the midst of that dark hole, I understood that I was facing depression. I precisely understood in the midst of that darkness that depression is simply the explosion of an accumulation of stifled feelings, unsaid words, repressed memories, unresolved traumas that came to light because they couldn't handle the pressure anymore. Just like when you cook raw grains in the pressure cooker, sorry I meant pressure. When those beans are boiling, one can see in the water a kind of slime or saliva that comes out of those little beans.
The same thing happened to me when I entered the depression pot that made me break out and get to know myself a little more. I was salivating a lot and at the same time my throat was dry, I could hardly swallow the food because I felt like I was choking. I had no way to lubricate the throat so that the food would pass through that tunnel of flesh towards the stomach. I was one of those who told people who were in depression “Calm down, calm down, go out into nature, sunbathe, smile at life”… never, ever did I realize that my own pot was boiling and that little Little by little it was going to take me to the highest point of the pressure that I imposed on myself. I learned that anxiety also goes hand in hand, but of course, if the constant train of thoughts is unchecked in that lane. There at that moment, with my train running out of brakes and the pressure cooker exploding, I had the biggest breakdown. I collided with myself, I cut myself on the glass of the pedestal. And that's when I made peace with science. I started taking medication for depression and anxiety. I bowed to the doctors who have listened to me with the patience that I still do not have and I became more human. In the midst of my ego, I apologize to all that past that I carried on my shoulders, to all those criticisms that I made of medicine, of doctors, of myself. I apologize to all the people whom I judged, to all those who I saw stuck in their dark hole and told them that it was easy to get out, and to all those people whom I deceived with a supposed smile that was full of emptiness...
To that inner child turned woman, who has not known patience yet, but is alive thanks to science. And that, although the majesty of nature, the wisdom of the organic, the health of the vegetarian and the imminent force of the sun are vital to humans on this planet, so is science, created by humans, is a point vital to navigate this life with balance, with patience and with less judgment...
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